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The Colbert Report/Episode/516
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro SEGMENT1 * Dr. Colbert admits to being a humble man, just like zjesus ** Jesus was a son of a carpenter, Stephen makes Ikea furniture * Mastermedia International ** in alphabetical order, just as The Lord wanted all prayers to be *** God is not a fan of ZZ Top * cheers are prayers ** Jaguar XK cotton candy airbags (who cares when the ambulance gets here) * between Glenn Close and Coldplay ** Coldplay has become the new Phil Collins * 23.5 hours into his prayer day * will let a miracle rip ** multiply loaves and fishes *** the loaf and fish needed some privacy * person who has not prayed for Stephen-Stephen ** lucky praying hat ** prayer nosh (bagel chips-the chosen snack) ** prayer hands! * Dear Lord; :This is an anonymous prayer. Give Stephen anything he wants: muscle wings :heat and xray vision melt people hiding behind walls :adamantian claws :10-15% discount at Olive Garden for remainder of February :Play Ball! SEGMENT2 * when God closes a door, he opens a window (on a Ford Taurus) * Americans are flocking back to church ** not just because communion counts as a meal * Evangelical churches don't care about money * Singapore and Canada (worship vengeful beaver god (back bacon and donuts)) * Cardinal Cormack Murphy O'Callahan O'Toole O'Leprechaun * exchange his neighbors the Hendersons for an Audi 2-7 (?) * what shall a man profit ... ** Answer: the whole world * gave up the good life for a life of charity, Colbert Report Resident ... ** Father James Martin * in finance, gave it up to become Jesuit priest ** was at GE before he saw the light (so to speak) * he was poor before being poor was cool ** the cutting edge of poverty * Audi AAL closest Stephen has been to heaven * poverty is about freedom * made God sound like an opportunistic virus * people may be more open during times of vulnerability Ancient Mystical Powers * Mastermedia International designated today as Stephen's Prayer date ** no way to gauge prayer quantity * Stephen borrowed an eMeter from $cientology ** told him he's a hot tamale * Stephen found a wallet with a lot of money in it * man believes he may have lost his wallet * Stephen shot him because people are not praying enough * ancient power of The DaColbert Code ** The DaCode * Jackman is not just his name, it's an order * Stephen shouldn't doubt The DaCode * the only one to blame is Sean Penn * Stephen could never have predicted that Kate Winslet's dad is Dick Cheney! Interview * Helen Fisher * book: "Why Him? Why Her?: Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type" * new theory on matchmaking--she had Stephen on "theory" * she's one of the brain genius behind chemistry.com ** not match.com * breeding experiment ** like a cult * chemistry is a complicated subject * your brain goes crazy when you're in love ** insane in the membrane * watching the brain of people in love ** dopamine spreads through the reward system * energy * obsessiveness (they camp in your brain) * Types: ** explorer ** builder ** director ** negotiator * no yellers * Stephen has a crush on himself * loyal or interesting friend? * 81% return for another date Epilogue * Dr. Colbert reminds us his prayer day is not over ** didn't get his car ** and the loaves and fishes, oh wait ... *** the bread and the fish have miraculously become breaded fishsticks! Gallery Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments